Father's Day

I hear father's day is in a few days. It is not a day I pay special attention to like my birthday or mothers day or fridays so I will probably forget about it right after publishing this piece.

The reason father's day holds no meaning to me is the fact that I have never had a reason to celebrate it. The person I should be celebrating on that day is none existent to me. His place has however been filled by different male figures in my life who impacted me in different ways.

You see, I was raised by a single mother and if you think for a second that that is something to be ashamed of then go jump off a cliff or off a building..or however else you would prefer to end your misery.

My 'dad' has never been in my life -note I put the word dad in quotes- and if he ever was at any point then I just don't remember it.

Have I ever wondered how my life would have been if he stuck around?....yes I have. Especially when I was much younger and yet to understand just how complicated 'adult' relationships can get. When i look back now, I am almost glad he never stuck around maybe my life would not have been as awesome as it has been.

Fathers day should be a day to celebrate the men who stuck around despite the uncertainty of life and that of raising a family. It should be a day for those men who stuck around for their babies despite the strained relationships with their baby mamas. It is a day to celebrate the men who took in children they did not father but raised as their own.

There should never be a reason or an excuse for a man to desert their child and do it consciously. If you are one of those men and you are reading this piece....stab yourself and know that no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that you are a man; you will never be one.

For those fathers who have held their families down despite unimaginable difficulties, I tip my hat to you. You are more of a man than the man who can take on a lion but has deserted his child.

To the men who took in children they did not father and have given them love and support like they were his own.....I tip my hat to you.

To future fathers who will move mountains to hold their family down.....fathers day is a day to celebrate you.

Like I said earlier......am not big on fathers day but I want to take this opportunity to thank the men who filled the gap of that man who ran with his tail between his legs.Grandpa',uncles....thank you for being that father figure when I needed one to look up to

But most of all I tip my hat and celebrate the woman who raised me without the help of him. Mum..I tip my hat to you and father's day is also about women like you.... Women who have and continue to hold your families down single handedly.

Happy Father's day....celebrate if you must.

2014....BRING IT ON

2014…I can tell you what is different this year as compared to the last two years; I have a job. Both 2012 and 2013 started with me being jobless. Both years started with me being a complete couch potato. I think these are the periods I gained weight.

I guess it’s only fair to say I like how the year has started (read I have a job). This is my last day bumming before I go back to work and what better way to spend it than working on what I have been postponing. I have been avoiding the thought of 2014 and what I want and hope to achieve before it comes to a close.

I want this blog to be the place I admit…mostly to myself….that I am scared. Scared that I might hope and end up wanting badly to actualize those hopes and it does not happen. You must think I am a big sissy but I am just being honest. The problem with life is that there is no rewind button and I am scared of the year ending without being where I hoped I would be.

Despite the fact; I would hate to be a slave to my fears. I will take the plunge in the deep end (I can’t swim) and hope I won’t drown.

I want 2014 to be the year I hit solid ground with my career. Feels like that part of my life has been uncertain for far too long. I want out of that uncertainty. It is very unsettling. I am just praying for the courage to shut out that little voice in my head that creeps up and holds me back from reaching my full potential.

I want to go back to school this year. I have no idea how this will happen but am told I should have faith. I will just leave this one to the Almighty. I will ask him to figure that one out for me. I want to start a side hustle this year. I am still researching on it but I pray it works out. It’s time I started working on making my money work for me.

My relationship with God is not what it used to be. I can feel it and I can’t really tell when things changed but they did. I want to go back to where it was or even better. It’s been a minute since I went to church. Do I miss it? Maybe….I don’t know. I will work on that…baby steps.

2014 started well for him and when he is happy then I am happy. This year will define his career and I pray it goes as he hopes it will. As far as my love life is concerned; 2014 is another year to grow this beautiful relationship and I am grateful for that.

I hope I get to have lots of fun with both friends and family this year. I hope 2014 will be filled with love, good health, success and blessings and not just for me but for all of you and all my loved ones. I pray for the courage to take on this year.

2014….bring it on!

Afterthought: Feels like this post ended prematurely but hey….

2013 IN REVIEW

So 2013 is a few days from expiration and I am trying to decide if I am glad its over or not. Someone told me it doesn't matter what I decide because it will still end. I get that.

Well the year was rough. I think a little rougher than other years but I survived and I must say I am a tougher cookie than I was last year. I have learnt one great lesson this year.....to trust that God has my back. He really has had my back because there are days I woke up and wondered how I would make it through the next couple of days.he is pretty awsome though I know I have not been as awesome to him as he has been to me.

This year I got a chance to go back to doing what I love. I am very grateful for that though it has not been without its challenges. It can only get better in 2014 because I am still growing.

I made a drastic change....I cut my hair. For anyone who has known me atleast since high school; then you know how much I treasured my hair. But change is good and I am loving the new look. I was told it is a very mature look; a lot better than my once long luscious locks :).

2013 is the year I fell deeper in love. If that is even possible. I am not saying I did not make mistakes or hurt him a few times (which broke my heart)... but with every fight...every laughter.... I know I could not love anyone more than I love him. He was my greatest fan in 2013...he cheered me on when I thought "oh stuff it...am done". Well he keeps saying 2014 is going to be a great year in every way, I will patiently wait and see.

My mum has been amazing this year. I would not have survived it without her help. She is an amazing lady and I will never be greatful enough.

I have been a lot more emotional this year than all the years that I can remember. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing but hey....

I am tempted to write what I hope for in 2014 but that will be another post all together. Well darlings, I hope you all had yourselves an amazing holiday. Despite how 2013 was for you, keep your head up and smile. Live a day at at time; tomorrow will take care of itself. See you in 2014; time I went for some therapy...heading to shagz. <3

STILL MISS YOU GUKA .....NINE YEARS ON

I grew up under his watch and he is probably the most remarkable man I had the pleasure of knowing. He went to be with the angels exactly nine years ago today. He loved life and the finer things in life. He loved family and he really did hold our family together.

He made sure we had family get together(s) as often as possible and he would sit us down every evening and give us lectures on life. He often said life was like being on a boat and you had to paddle. You could only move if you paddled. For those of you who cannot understand this straight forward analogy, it means you have to work hard if you want to be successful in life. If you sit there and do nothing; then life will just pass you by.

Apart from the love for family, he loved to help people. I think it was his own little way of giving back to society. Strangers walked to his door and he never turned anyone away. He listened and helped where he could and when he couldn't he linked you with a person who could.

One of the things he valued the most was good education. He made sure all his kids (kina mum) all got educated. He said it was the only way to self reliance. To this day; education is greatly valued in my family. I am blessed to have received an  education and I intend to pass the same doctrine to my future family.

On top of education, that guy worked hard. He worked hard for his kids and the kids of his kids. He gave us a good life. If anyone thinks I am spoilt then you have the old man to thank. He was one of my father figures and he set the bar pretty high for any guy who would want to be in my life for the long haul. You have to be crazy ambitious and not theoretically, it has to be practical. Despite his age, you would never find him idle.....he always had to be doing something.

He had the money no doubt. But despite the fact he taught all of us the importance of working to get your own money. To take care of yourself before you can allow another person to take care of you. He could spoil you with material things...but he taught you having material things was not the most important thing. Family is the most important thing.

There are days I really miss him. He was very entertaining and he had horrible practical jokes. I remember one time when I was much younger, he called me and convinced me to let him stick together my fingers with super glue.....yea ..I know he was crazy. He actually did it and later struggled to separate my fingers....smh. He was a great cook too. Maybe that is why I am attracted to guys who can whip up a proper meal.

 He had this habit of pulling disappearing acts on us. He would leave the house in the morning promising to come back only to see him on tv seated a few seats from the then president moi (he loved politics). I remember one Christmas he made his random trips to the big city under the sun (Nairobi people...Nairobi) and he brought back gifts for all of us. Both his kids and grand kids. For the ladies it was some handbags and a manicure kit (I knoooooow.....he was awesome like that ). Can't remember what the guys got....I was too absorbed in my gifts :D.

He was awesome in so many ways but he was honestly a terrible driver. A ride with him and you would get back home sore.

When he suddenly got sick, it broke my heart.....it broke all our hearts. I was in high school then and I went to visit him once in hospital. It is hard to forget that day because it hurt like hell seeing him that helpless. I remember he saw me crying and told me not to, that he was not doing as badly as he looked. That same day I learnt just how much he loved his wife (Cucu). He kept calling to her and saying how much he loved her. But I must admit the strength of that woman (Cucu) for  me came out clearly then.

She visited him every single day in Mater Hospital South B. She made that trip daily from shagz which is in Kirinyaga. I never saw her cry even once. It is not because she was not hurting but i know she did it for the rest of us who couldn't keep it together.

He got out of hospital though on a wheelchair and I know one thing that killed him was having to depend on people for everything. He was well taken care off at home but it was hard watching him like that. I would hear him groaning in pain in the morning when my uncles had to move him from the bed to the chair.... I died a little with every groan. I prayed hard that he would get better. That even if he would end up being confined to that chair he would learn to love life again and make us laugh and make bad practical jokes.

All we wanted was the assurance that he would be the first face we saw when we walked into the compound like it had always been the case. That he would be at his 'office' on the patio.

The last time I saw him, I was going back to school after the holidays or mid-terms....can't quite remember. What I cannot forget though are the last words he uttered to me.....he said: "work hard in school, I will stay here and wait for my Lord." That statement never really sank in....at least not until I saw my aunt at the deputy's office from class and I just knew he was gone.

Can't remember feeling so sad. There were soo many people at his funeral......he was truly loved. I was however comforted by the fact that he was no longer in pain.

Guka you left a huge gap in our lives but i know You watching over us from heaven. You are our guardian angel. We miss you every single day and though it is almost a decade since you left......it feels like yesterday. We learnt to smile through the memories ...... at least we will always have those.....the memories.

MISS YOU GUKA ....MISS YOU DEARLY 


 

JOB HUNTING & THE JOURNEY TO GREATNESS

I graduated approximately two years ago and there is no greater feeling than wearing that gown surrounded by family and friends who have worked their asses off to see you through it all. Graduation comes with the obvious high expectations of employment. Getting that dream job and practicing what you are most passionate about. Unfortunately for most graduates....the world out here is a lot harsher than we anticipated.

Job hunting is a very trying time. It requires patience and will power to keep pushing even when you feel like you have been pushed to your limits. Its a time when one will contemplate a lot of things...some even illegal just to make that dollar (I have considered some heavy stuff...like poaching..just a one time thing....please do not take me seriously, just saying).

I was lucky to have had a job by the time I graduated but sadly that did not last too long. By the end of that year...the company had gone under and we were left out in the cold. On top of that, we had not been paid for a number of months and it was the festive season.

I was used to taking care of myself. Not having to bother my mum with issues about pocket money. Going back on all that progress and having to ask for money for airtime, leave alone anything major like new shoes....it was hard.

It is hard, waking up in the morning, knowing you have no where to go all day. It is hard knowing your peers are out making money and you have no choice but bum. It gets worse when frustration sets in. There is something about frustration that makes one feel for lack of a better word, useless. You start feeling like you are a burden to everyone else. At this point you are beating yourself up so much, you can longer recgonize yourself in the mirror leave alone your potential. You become a shadow of your once bubbly self.

The sad bit about all these is the culture that has been allowed to thrive in almost all industries. That you cannot simply be employed on your own merit. That you either have to have connections....which is a good thing....but again it locks some people out. That you must be willing to 'toa kitu kidogo'....that you must be willing to drop your pants for the manager for him/her to give you a position that you are fully qualified for.

Worse still is when you finally get that job interviewe to that dream job....or at least that job that could easily lead to your dream job. Interview goes perfectly...and in your heart and mind, you have no doubt that you nailed it. The panel was giving you all the hints that they were impressed....they even insinuate that they will see you soon.

You go back home and you wait for that call that says, "Congratulations, you got the job, please come on this date to sign your contract." That has to be the most nerve racking period of all. Week one goes by with no call. A little voice in your head tells you to let go...move on...but there is another voice that is a bit louder that tells you to be a little more patient...that the call will come. Week two...week three goes by. Reality sets in. They should have called by now and just like that...you are back to square one...frustration and all.

I don't know if this just happened to me but at some point....you take a break from job hunting. You really do not care what opportunity passes you by.....it is a moment to recollect and make sure you are still sane.....that the disappointments have not completely sucked the life out of you. I have to admit...this particular period is quite serene....you are at ease...but just for a little while. The trick is in realizing when to bounce back.....when to get back on the horse after it dropped you head first on the ground.

It is a trying time but I am a strong believer in there being something out there for everyone. You just have to have a little faith while searching for it. It might take a lot longer than you thought and you might break a few glasses out of frustration along the way but giving up is definitely not an option....at least not for me.If plan A does not work..go to plan B....use up all the letters of the alphabet if you have to.

I have heard stories of people who for years had no 'proper' job but eventually they got there. I am not where I want to be yet and am still going through the struggles of job hunting..the long journey to self actualization or something close to that and despite the unbelievable number of disappointments....I am still pushing on.

Every time you want to let go...listen to that little voice that says, "Just a little bit longer"... Trust me, you will get there.

IN LAWS

I know you all missed me. I missed you more darlings. So I have been up and about ( I exaggerate) living and loving life and I recently finally met my in-laws. It was not exactly the official meeting where beau introduces me as the wife to be but hey. It was still a very huge deal; especially because I was finally meeting his mum who according to stories had fussed over the girl he would bring home. That he had to be sure she is the one.

To people who know me well, I sometimes have this "I don't care what anyone thinks" attitude but in all honesty, I was very worried what mum-in-law would think. You see...this young man who knocks my socks off is a mummy's boy (he will not be caught dead admitting to this) and I needed the mum to like me.

I have interacted with beau's sister and brother and they both like me (at least that is what I tell myself). I met the dad once but we were not in a position to interact or talk more but I was not very worried about him. Turns out we have a lot in common (according to beau). Let me explain.....again from stories...seems daddy-in-law enjoys reading the same kind of books I am into. I love memoirs and I bought this book called A long way gone by Ishmael Bear. He talks about his life as a child soldier. I gave the book to my baby and his dad happened to read it....he loved it. That is just one example of what we have in common with daddy-in-law. It would be a great conversation starter if you ask me.

I am not a politics junkie but I have opinions once in a while and a few times I have voiced those opinions to beau and funny thing is; he says the dad shares similar sentiments on those particular issues. Second great conversation starter ;-).

Having never been told anything I have in common with mum-in-law....you can imagine my worry and fear that we might not click. He always told me not to worry because mum would love me but hey. So on his big day, graduating from his engineering class...I met the mum.

I could see her smile as soon as she spotted me. She said hey to me like we'd known each other all our lives. I am almost certain that the relief on my face was palpable. I know she had seen pictures of me on his phone but....She said that she would have recognized me anywhere if she ever saw me.

She was warm, and bubbly and talkative, just like someone I know all so well. I felt at home and friends to the family also played a role into welcoming me to the family. I am not sure if it is too soon to say I have a new family, one that is full of life and love. They love to laugh...and I love laughing so...that must be like ten points to the whole experience. I think....wait....I hope it will only get better from here.


Maybe one day I will officially be part of this beautiful family. Or maybe me voicing all these 'feelings' about being accepted was too soon?? I guess we will just have to wait and see.

The Njoroge's.

THUS FAR

Beginning of the year, I wrote a piece on my hopes for the year  2013. All those hopes still stand and I must say that at least of them came to pass; that Kenyans voted peacefully. To be honest I am not sure what I want this post to be about . I guess I'll just write and hope it makes sense in the end.

I would be lying if I said that this year is turning out as I expected. This is both on the positive and negative side. Lets start with the sour so that it's washed away by the sweet in the end.

The last couple of months have been a little tough. Having a smile on my face and having that smile remain there for a while has been somewhat of a problem. That just isn't me. This and other issues have made me quite the introvert and it just feels like I just cannot help it. Anyway, I am glad to let you all know that so far I have kept it together. That is what is important right?

Onto the awesome part of 2013. Considering how my year started, there are a few things I thought I had to give up. I am pleased to tell you that I did not give up these things that I hold dear and it's all thanks to my dear beautiful mother. She has been of tremendous support it is just overwhelming. I hope one day I will make her unbelievably proud of me .

Well, 2013 is about four months old and to be honest I know the year is still kinda young but it is a little tiring feeling like you are just hanging by a thread. I am however very glad to have my loved ones around, my family, friends and my biggest fan; my baby.

I will do what I can. It's all one can do really. And I will keep hope alive. It is yet to be a great year but I know it is getting there.

TUSI BLEED NDIO WA LEAD

I thought I should borrow the post’s title from Juliani’s song because it sums up what every other Kenyan must be thinking right now. It’s funny that five years are already down the drain since the last elections which ended disastrously. Feels like no time has passed at all. That was one dark hour in Kenyan history.

The reason I am writing this post at one o’clock in the morning is because I am just from watching a South African movie called The Bang Bang Club. It was releases in 2010 but I stumbled upon it today.  It showcases the lives of four South African photojournalists who put their lives on the line to take pictures of the war that was going on at the moment in SA as it transitioned into democracy. Each and every one of these journalists made history in a way but that is beside the point.

These guys had to watch people butcher each other over difference they themselves did not understand. It just did not make sense. I honestly cannot relate because when our country plunged into chaos; I was still a journalism student. Most journalists in Kenya however can relate perfectly to this movie.

They were on the front line during the post election chaos and took pictures and videos that were viewed too graphic for broadcasting. They had to watch people get killed, women raped all for issues even those engaging in the violence did not understand.

After things sort of went back to normal, some journalists came together and made documentaries about the stories they covered during the chaos. I watched one of these documentaries and I must say, they used pictures and videos that did not see the light of day on TV or the newspapers. What people saw on the news was nothing but the tip of the ice berg as far as these documentaries go.

Kenyans across the country were greatly affected by images that were published and broadcasted. It makes me wonder, what if the media did not filter some of these pictures. Is that what it would take for people to understand that we just cannot afford to go back down that road? It is honestly not worth it.

The leaders you claim to be fighting for do not give a rat’s ass. Ask yourself if the country was to plunge back into chaos, do you have enough money to ship your whole family away to some international holiday destination before things cool down. I didn’t think so.

One of the photo journalists in Kenya who took some of the most gruesome pictures of the chaos said that; after the chaos stopped and people started rebuilding their lives…government leaders were approached and were shown some of the pictures. Most of them said that those pictures were not real; that there is no way that could have happened in Kenya. Do you know why? Because when people were butchering each other, these guys were not even around. They were probably lying on some warm beach.

When you spread hate or agree to be a vessel for violence, the only person you are hurting is yourself and the people who matter to you; people you should be protecting. That guy who promised you a thousand shillings to go cause chaos will watch as you die. He/she will be surrounded by a human shield-body guards…he won’t even get a bruise on him.

I know life is pretty hard especially when you have no idea where the next meal is coming from. Just save that energy and look for bread instead of using it all up fighting your neighbor who is probably the only person who is ever there for you. When you fight, if you do not die in it then you will live with a guilty conscience all your life and your problems will not have solved themselves.

Let us do this voting thing peacefully. You know what; I say we try peace this time round and see if in the end we will be happier than the last time elections.

Well, I needed to write this. You have to take advantage when there’s a consistent flow of thoughts.  I feel much better now….and I am off to bed.

HOPES 2013

I think I have lost my touch. My touch in writing and it is a very scary feeling. Am experiencing what they call writer’s block. Don’t get me wrong; like any other writer; I have experienced this couple of times only this time it has lasted way too long. Or maybe it has been lifted…it’s sad that I can’t even tell.

Experts say that when a woman is under stress, it can adversely affect her libido. I think that is what is happening with my writing…my libido has been greatly compromised. Well you must be wondering what could be stressing me. Let’s just say that I recently found myself at that uncertain point when everyone wonders when there big break will just get here. I view this as a blessing in disguise though. Maybe I will finally be able to make something out of the love of this art-read writing.

Anyway, let’s not dwell on my inadequacies because this post should not be about that. It should be about my hopes for 2013. I recently made an attempt at independence; I moved out. This was probably my biggest achievement in 2012 and I am very proud of myself. Just like that attempt, I hope 2013 will be the year I gain independence with my art. By that I mean I hope that this year I will gain confidence with my writing; that I won’t be afraid to flaunt it because only then will I make mistakes and learn from them.

2013 is the year when Kenyans will usher in a different structure of government. As exciting as that is, it also holds a lot of fears for most Kenyans …post election violence. I can only hope that this year’s elections will be different. That Kenyans will not end butchering each other over leaders who lets admit do not care much.

I intend to face my fears this year. What I mean by that is I want 2013 to be the year I learn to be more assertive with the things I want. It will be the year I set the pace for the rest of my life because who am I kidding, I might be young but the sooner I figure things out the better.

I hope 2013 will be a year that the bond between me and my baby will only get stronger (yes, I am a hopeless romantic). I hope to get closer to my friends and family; the people I want to be part of my life for the long run.  On top of all this I hope to reignite my love affair with books into a bonfire (that bonfire will not be from burning books just so we are on the same page).

I know it doesn’t sound like much but those are just some of my hopes for 2013 but above everything; I hope 2013 will be successful and awesome for you. 2013, it’s me and you against the world.

SOCIAL ROT

I am not very old but from the stories I am told by those older than me lets me conclude with certainty that as we become more 'modern', social evils increase. There is one particular evil that I will never be able to comprehend....RAPE.

All rape stories are sad. It leaves you imagining just what the victim must have been going through. How scared they must have been and just what state they are left in when it is all over. For them I think it is never really over.

One rape story that really got to me was of a very young girl. She was barely a year old when it happened. The asshole responsible was someone she would have grown to call daddy; it was her mother's boyfriend. He violated her and left her for the dead.

She was found by her grandmother and was in hospital for a few months. There are a few sad facts about this story. One, her mother ran away after she found out what had happened. She was afraid she would be arrested but that is no excuse. I am not a mother yet but I believe a mother should protect her children with her life if she has to.

The second sad fact is that the only way the little angel's life could be saved was to remove her uterus. She has probably forgotten what happened to her... .But what happens when she is older and wants to start her own family but she can't. How will anyone be able to explain why she will never be able to hold her own flesh and blood in her arms.

Its baffling what a man would see in a child to turn into such an animal. In all honesty, there are many women a man could go for. And if your game is that horrible, pay for sex. You will not be the first nor the last. Such men are weak and they are cowards whose punishment should be dire. I think they feel they need to prove they are men. Am not sure to who though. They feel they need to exercise their 'power' over their victims. But if the need is that dire, go punch something.....anything but not ruin a person's life in such a grotesque way.

I hope to have a family of my own soon. Babies to protect from this mad world, and I can promise them now as well as myself that if anyone ever comes close to my babies, I will dedicate my life to making them pay. Trust me, I can keep a grudge.

This is just one of those things that I think I will never understand about this crazy world. Y'all take care of yourself and your loved ones. Do what you have to to protect them.

GUILTY PLEASURE

Every time I see him especially after a period of time, my heart skips what in all honesty feels like more than one beat. His scent leaves me breathless....like I am anticipating something am afraid my body won't handle because of its awesomeness.

His smile is like that first ray of sunshine that caress your skin with such tenderness, the one you just want to busk in. His eyes seem to see right through you. Leave you feeling vulnerable and naked before them, like he can see exactly what you are feeling....eyes that say he knows the kind of feelings he evokes.

He is not the kind to wear his heart on his sleeve but he is gentle. He is not the kind to easily fall in love... He is more the kind who will make girls fall in love with him. He however loves earnestly if ever anyone evokes such kind of emotions from him.

He will not flatter you with words that do not come from his heart neither lie to make you smile. He will tell you the truth even when he knows it will hurt, but he knows you will forgive him. No one prefers a liar.

He will disappoint and most times that will suck, but he will try make it up. His joy is making another
 smile....the sound of laughter gets him through the day.

Most people do not know him as I do and I must say am honored that it was me above everyone else. He won't always say "I love you" but I know it doesn't mean that he does not feel it. His penetrating eyes always betray him.

He is a lot of things, but most of all, he is my guilty pleasure.

FINDING MY WAY BACK

Making a big shift in life is never easy. I want to assume this is how it feels to drive a manual car for the first time having driven an automatic all your life. I never thought I would fall this deeply in love with writing. I never thought  it would give me such a rush- trying to put words together, trying to tell a story.

This is the only thing I have ever known. Writing is like that first friend. That first BFF you pinky swear that you will always be friends with. The one you tell all your innocent little secrets.This is until your family moves to another town miles away and you barely keep in-touch with the BFF. Eventually, they become a distant memory, one you wish you could find your way back to but  you just don't know how.

I recently got torn away from my BFF- writing- by a new job that has nothing to do with what I have come to love with such passion. It's a new experience, a new challenge. A way to prove to myself that I am  flexible, open minded. That I can make a living from pretty much anything.  I promised myself I would learn to love it. That I would keep an open and positive mind. I have to admit; that is easier said than done.

My biggest fear is losing my BFF. Never finding my way back to that genuine smile. That genuine rush. I am not a quitter though. I guess what I need to do is refine my lemonade making skills with all these lemons thrown at me.

I am trying to find my way back to my BFF. Trying to make her my haven. A safe place to let go of all my frustrations and fears. I want to go back to the pinky swear. I will find my way back.

Mum

When I was younger, a lot of things didn't make sense to me. This was reinforced when I went off to boarding school and learnt or realized-whichever you prefer- that my life, my family set up was not like that of most kids my age.

I didn't come from the city or any other big town like all my friends. I didn't have awesome stories to tell about where I had gone with my family for a family day out. I didn't have a dad to go on and on about. All I had was my mum and my grandparents.

I grew up with my grandparents both of who were disciplinarians; that should create a picture of what happened when I was at fault. My mum was mostly away working in the city and right before I went to boarding school I moved in with my mum's big sis. Mum would try really hard to come see me as often as she could. Sometimes I would miss her so much I would cry myself to sleep holding on to her blouse that she left behind from her previous visit. With time, I even learnt how she knocked.

I just couldn't understand why I couldn't just go live with her. I couldn't understand why I didn't have a dad like everyone else. It might look like I am complaining but am really just saying and when I look back now; I had a pretty awesome childhood. It might have appeared like I didn't have a lot of what other kids had but over the years of growing up I have learnt that I had a lot of what most kids didn't have.

I remember I once asked my mum why we did not live in Nairobi and I remember her looking at me with a tinge of pain in her eyes and saying that we couldn't all be the same but she would work really hard to always make me happy. That is a statement I will never forget; mostly because of how she said it-I assumed maybe she felt like she was letting me down- and the fact that this far in my life, she has kept her promise.

I know it has not been easy for her raising me all by herself and the fact that kids might not always understand somethings. I have never lacked a thing in my life. The times she couldn't get me something as fast as I would have wanted her to, she would tell me to give her a bit of time and she always delivered. I know I am not a mother to understand what mothers have to give up for their children but there is no doubt that she has sacrificed a lot for my happiness.

She is the strongest woman I know, always putting on a brave face when really her world might feel like it is falling apart. She is my hero and my inspiration and I hope that one day when I get a family of my own, I will do as good a job with my kids as she has with me.

Well, I don't know much about my dad apart from the fact that he must have been crazy not to  stick by mum's side but I guess in the end it was all for the best. He tried reaching out to me once though. I gave him a chance to redeem himself for being MIA for 20 years of my life but somehow he managed to fuck that up. At least I tried but we haven't talked for years and honestly I would rather it remains that way.

For what its worth, if ever it came to it, I would take a bullet to my head, catch a grenade and put my hand in the blade for her in a heartbeat. ( I hate that song by the way but as unrealistic as it sounds, I would do all those things for her)

Well I realize that this piece might feel  a bit emotional but trust me, its not half of what I was feeling when I wrote it. That couldn't be expressed in words. Its a piece meant to give a brief overview of my life, where I have come from and the lady who has worked her ass off to make it happen with the help of the Almighty of-course :-)

I love you mum.

A Lover of Art

I am a lover of art. All kinds of art but I am only good at a few kinds of art. In this blog I will indulge in one kind of art, writing. People express themselves differently and the reason why my form of expression is through writing is because, writing defies time. My writing will remain even  when I am gone.

To be very honest with you, I am still very new at this, you know the whole writing business but I think I keep getting better, practice makes perfect right? Well this should be exciting and I hope you will enjoy my pieces as much as I will enjoy writing them.