Father's Day

I hear father's day is in a few days. It is not a day I pay special attention to like my birthday or mothers day or fridays so I will probably forget about it right after publishing this piece.

The reason father's day holds no meaning to me is the fact that I have never had a reason to celebrate it. The person I should be celebrating on that day is none existent to me. His place has however been filled by different male figures in my life who impacted me in different ways.

You see, I was raised by a single mother and if you think for a second that that is something to be ashamed of then go jump off a cliff or off a building..or however else you would prefer to end your misery.

My 'dad' has never been in my life -note I put the word dad in quotes- and if he ever was at any point then I just don't remember it.

Have I ever wondered how my life would have been if he stuck around?....yes I have. Especially when I was much younger and yet to understand just how complicated 'adult' relationships can get. When i look back now, I am almost glad he never stuck around maybe my life would not have been as awesome as it has been.

Fathers day should be a day to celebrate the men who stuck around despite the uncertainty of life and that of raising a family. It should be a day for those men who stuck around for their babies despite the strained relationships with their baby mamas. It is a day to celebrate the men who took in children they did not father but raised as their own.

There should never be a reason or an excuse for a man to desert their child and do it consciously. If you are one of those men and you are reading this piece....stab yourself and know that no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that you are a man; you will never be one.

For those fathers who have held their families down despite unimaginable difficulties, I tip my hat to you. You are more of a man than the man who can take on a lion but has deserted his child.

To the men who took in children they did not father and have given them love and support like they were his own.....I tip my hat to you.

To future fathers who will move mountains to hold their family down.....fathers day is a day to celebrate you.

Like I said earlier......am not big on fathers day but I want to take this opportunity to thank the men who filled the gap of that man who ran with his tail between his legs.Grandpa',uncles....thank you for being that father figure when I needed one to look up to

But most of all I tip my hat and celebrate the woman who raised me without the help of him. Mum..I tip my hat to you and father's day is also about women like you.... Women who have and continue to hold your families down single handedly.

Happy Father's day....celebrate if you must.

2014....BRING IT ON

2014…I can tell you what is different this year as compared to the last two years; I have a job. Both 2012 and 2013 started with me being jobless. Both years started with me being a complete couch potato. I think these are the periods I gained weight.

I guess it’s only fair to say I like how the year has started (read I have a job). This is my last day bumming before I go back to work and what better way to spend it than working on what I have been postponing. I have been avoiding the thought of 2014 and what I want and hope to achieve before it comes to a close.

I want this blog to be the place I admit…mostly to myself….that I am scared. Scared that I might hope and end up wanting badly to actualize those hopes and it does not happen. You must think I am a big sissy but I am just being honest. The problem with life is that there is no rewind button and I am scared of the year ending without being where I hoped I would be.

Despite the fact; I would hate to be a slave to my fears. I will take the plunge in the deep end (I can’t swim) and hope I won’t drown.

I want 2014 to be the year I hit solid ground with my career. Feels like that part of my life has been uncertain for far too long. I want out of that uncertainty. It is very unsettling. I am just praying for the courage to shut out that little voice in my head that creeps up and holds me back from reaching my full potential.

I want to go back to school this year. I have no idea how this will happen but am told I should have faith. I will just leave this one to the Almighty. I will ask him to figure that one out for me. I want to start a side hustle this year. I am still researching on it but I pray it works out. It’s time I started working on making my money work for me.

My relationship with God is not what it used to be. I can feel it and I can’t really tell when things changed but they did. I want to go back to where it was or even better. It’s been a minute since I went to church. Do I miss it? Maybe….I don’t know. I will work on that…baby steps.

2014 started well for him and when he is happy then I am happy. This year will define his career and I pray it goes as he hopes it will. As far as my love life is concerned; 2014 is another year to grow this beautiful relationship and I am grateful for that.

I hope I get to have lots of fun with both friends and family this year. I hope 2014 will be filled with love, good health, success and blessings and not just for me but for all of you and all my loved ones. I pray for the courage to take on this year.

2014….bring it on!

Afterthought: Feels like this post ended prematurely but hey….

2013 IN REVIEW

So 2013 is a few days from expiration and I am trying to decide if I am glad its over or not. Someone told me it doesn't matter what I decide because it will still end. I get that.

Well the year was rough. I think a little rougher than other years but I survived and I must say I am a tougher cookie than I was last year. I have learnt one great lesson this year.....to trust that God has my back. He really has had my back because there are days I woke up and wondered how I would make it through the next couple of days.he is pretty awsome though I know I have not been as awesome to him as he has been to me.

This year I got a chance to go back to doing what I love. I am very grateful for that though it has not been without its challenges. It can only get better in 2014 because I am still growing.

I made a drastic change....I cut my hair. For anyone who has known me atleast since high school; then you know how much I treasured my hair. But change is good and I am loving the new look. I was told it is a very mature look; a lot better than my once long luscious locks :).

2013 is the year I fell deeper in love. If that is even possible. I am not saying I did not make mistakes or hurt him a few times (which broke my heart)... but with every fight...every laughter.... I know I could not love anyone more than I love him. He was my greatest fan in 2013...he cheered me on when I thought "oh stuff it...am done". Well he keeps saying 2014 is going to be a great year in every way, I will patiently wait and see.

My mum has been amazing this year. I would not have survived it without her help. She is an amazing lady and I will never be greatful enough.

I have been a lot more emotional this year than all the years that I can remember. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing but hey....

I am tempted to write what I hope for in 2014 but that will be another post all together. Well darlings, I hope you all had yourselves an amazing holiday. Despite how 2013 was for you, keep your head up and smile. Live a day at at time; tomorrow will take care of itself. See you in 2014; time I went for some therapy...heading to shagz. <3

STILL MISS YOU GUKA .....NINE YEARS ON

I grew up under his watch and he is probably the most remarkable man I had the pleasure of knowing. He went to be with the angels exactly nine years ago today. He loved life and the finer things in life. He loved family and he really did hold our family together.

He made sure we had family get together(s) as often as possible and he would sit us down every evening and give us lectures on life. He often said life was like being on a boat and you had to paddle. You could only move if you paddled. For those of you who cannot understand this straight forward analogy, it means you have to work hard if you want to be successful in life. If you sit there and do nothing; then life will just pass you by.

Apart from the love for family, he loved to help people. I think it was his own little way of giving back to society. Strangers walked to his door and he never turned anyone away. He listened and helped where he could and when he couldn't he linked you with a person who could.

One of the things he valued the most was good education. He made sure all his kids (kina mum) all got educated. He said it was the only way to self reliance. To this day; education is greatly valued in my family. I am blessed to have received an  education and I intend to pass the same doctrine to my future family.

On top of education, that guy worked hard. He worked hard for his kids and the kids of his kids. He gave us a good life. If anyone thinks I am spoilt then you have the old man to thank. He was one of my father figures and he set the bar pretty high for any guy who would want to be in my life for the long haul. You have to be crazy ambitious and not theoretically, it has to be practical. Despite his age, you would never find him idle.....he always had to be doing something.

He had the money no doubt. But despite the fact he taught all of us the importance of working to get your own money. To take care of yourself before you can allow another person to take care of you. He could spoil you with material things...but he taught you having material things was not the most important thing. Family is the most important thing.

There are days I really miss him. He was very entertaining and he had horrible practical jokes. I remember one time when I was much younger, he called me and convinced me to let him stick together my fingers with super glue.....yea ..I know he was crazy. He actually did it and later struggled to separate my fingers....smh. He was a great cook too. Maybe that is why I am attracted to guys who can whip up a proper meal.

 He had this habit of pulling disappearing acts on us. He would leave the house in the morning promising to come back only to see him on tv seated a few seats from the then president moi (he loved politics). I remember one Christmas he made his random trips to the big city under the sun (Nairobi people...Nairobi) and he brought back gifts for all of us. Both his kids and grand kids. For the ladies it was some handbags and a manicure kit (I knoooooow.....he was awesome like that ). Can't remember what the guys got....I was too absorbed in my gifts :D.

He was awesome in so many ways but he was honestly a terrible driver. A ride with him and you would get back home sore.

When he suddenly got sick, it broke my heart.....it broke all our hearts. I was in high school then and I went to visit him once in hospital. It is hard to forget that day because it hurt like hell seeing him that helpless. I remember he saw me crying and told me not to, that he was not doing as badly as he looked. That same day I learnt just how much he loved his wife (Cucu). He kept calling to her and saying how much he loved her. But I must admit the strength of that woman (Cucu) for  me came out clearly then.

She visited him every single day in Mater Hospital South B. She made that trip daily from shagz which is in Kirinyaga. I never saw her cry even once. It is not because she was not hurting but i know she did it for the rest of us who couldn't keep it together.

He got out of hospital though on a wheelchair and I know one thing that killed him was having to depend on people for everything. He was well taken care off at home but it was hard watching him like that. I would hear him groaning in pain in the morning when my uncles had to move him from the bed to the chair.... I died a little with every groan. I prayed hard that he would get better. That even if he would end up being confined to that chair he would learn to love life again and make us laugh and make bad practical jokes.

All we wanted was the assurance that he would be the first face we saw when we walked into the compound like it had always been the case. That he would be at his 'office' on the patio.

The last time I saw him, I was going back to school after the holidays or mid-terms....can't quite remember. What I cannot forget though are the last words he uttered to me.....he said: "work hard in school, I will stay here and wait for my Lord." That statement never really sank in....at least not until I saw my aunt at the deputy's office from class and I just knew he was gone.

Can't remember feeling so sad. There were soo many people at his funeral......he was truly loved. I was however comforted by the fact that he was no longer in pain.

Guka you left a huge gap in our lives but i know You watching over us from heaven. You are our guardian angel. We miss you every single day and though it is almost a decade since you left......it feels like yesterday. We learnt to smile through the memories ...... at least we will always have those.....the memories.

MISS YOU GUKA ....MISS YOU DEARLY 


 

JOB HUNTING & THE JOURNEY TO GREATNESS

I graduated approximately two years ago and there is no greater feeling than wearing that gown surrounded by family and friends who have worked their asses off to see you through it all. Graduation comes with the obvious high expectations of employment. Getting that dream job and practicing what you are most passionate about. Unfortunately for most graduates....the world out here is a lot harsher than we anticipated.

Job hunting is a very trying time. It requires patience and will power to keep pushing even when you feel like you have been pushed to your limits. Its a time when one will contemplate a lot of things...some even illegal just to make that dollar (I have considered some heavy stuff...like poaching..just a one time thing....please do not take me seriously, just saying).

I was lucky to have had a job by the time I graduated but sadly that did not last too long. By the end of that year...the company had gone under and we were left out in the cold. On top of that, we had not been paid for a number of months and it was the festive season.

I was used to taking care of myself. Not having to bother my mum with issues about pocket money. Going back on all that progress and having to ask for money for airtime, leave alone anything major like new shoes....it was hard.

It is hard, waking up in the morning, knowing you have no where to go all day. It is hard knowing your peers are out making money and you have no choice but bum. It gets worse when frustration sets in. There is something about frustration that makes one feel for lack of a better word, useless. You start feeling like you are a burden to everyone else. At this point you are beating yourself up so much, you can longer recgonize yourself in the mirror leave alone your potential. You become a shadow of your once bubbly self.

The sad bit about all these is the culture that has been allowed to thrive in almost all industries. That you cannot simply be employed on your own merit. That you either have to have connections....which is a good thing....but again it locks some people out. That you must be willing to 'toa kitu kidogo'....that you must be willing to drop your pants for the manager for him/her to give you a position that you are fully qualified for.

Worse still is when you finally get that job interviewe to that dream job....or at least that job that could easily lead to your dream job. Interview goes perfectly...and in your heart and mind, you have no doubt that you nailed it. The panel was giving you all the hints that they were impressed....they even insinuate that they will see you soon.

You go back home and you wait for that call that says, "Congratulations, you got the job, please come on this date to sign your contract." That has to be the most nerve racking period of all. Week one goes by with no call. A little voice in your head tells you to let go...move on...but there is another voice that is a bit louder that tells you to be a little more patient...that the call will come. Week two...week three goes by. Reality sets in. They should have called by now and just like that...you are back to square one...frustration and all.

I don't know if this just happened to me but at some point....you take a break from job hunting. You really do not care what opportunity passes you by.....it is a moment to recollect and make sure you are still sane.....that the disappointments have not completely sucked the life out of you. I have to admit...this particular period is quite serene....you are at ease...but just for a little while. The trick is in realizing when to bounce back.....when to get back on the horse after it dropped you head first on the ground.

It is a trying time but I am a strong believer in there being something out there for everyone. You just have to have a little faith while searching for it. It might take a lot longer than you thought and you might break a few glasses out of frustration along the way but giving up is definitely not an option....at least not for me.If plan A does not work..go to plan B....use up all the letters of the alphabet if you have to.

I have heard stories of people who for years had no 'proper' job but eventually they got there. I am not where I want to be yet and am still going through the struggles of job hunting..the long journey to self actualization or something close to that and despite the unbelievable number of disappointments....I am still pushing on.

Every time you want to let go...listen to that little voice that says, "Just a little bit longer"... Trust me, you will get there.

IN LAWS

I know you all missed me. I missed you more darlings. So I have been up and about ( I exaggerate) living and loving life and I recently finally met my in-laws. It was not exactly the official meeting where beau introduces me as the wife to be but hey. It was still a very huge deal; especially because I was finally meeting his mum who according to stories had fussed over the girl he would bring home. That he had to be sure she is the one.

To people who know me well, I sometimes have this "I don't care what anyone thinks" attitude but in all honesty, I was very worried what mum-in-law would think. You see...this young man who knocks my socks off is a mummy's boy (he will not be caught dead admitting to this) and I needed the mum to like me.

I have interacted with beau's sister and brother and they both like me (at least that is what I tell myself). I met the dad once but we were not in a position to interact or talk more but I was not very worried about him. Turns out we have a lot in common (according to beau). Let me explain.....again from stories...seems daddy-in-law enjoys reading the same kind of books I am into. I love memoirs and I bought this book called A long way gone by Ishmael Bear. He talks about his life as a child soldier. I gave the book to my baby and his dad happened to read it....he loved it. That is just one example of what we have in common with daddy-in-law. It would be a great conversation starter if you ask me.

I am not a politics junkie but I have opinions once in a while and a few times I have voiced those opinions to beau and funny thing is; he says the dad shares similar sentiments on those particular issues. Second great conversation starter ;-).

Having never been told anything I have in common with mum-in-law....you can imagine my worry and fear that we might not click. He always told me not to worry because mum would love me but hey. So on his big day, graduating from his engineering class...I met the mum.

I could see her smile as soon as she spotted me. She said hey to me like we'd known each other all our lives. I am almost certain that the relief on my face was palpable. I know she had seen pictures of me on his phone but....She said that she would have recognized me anywhere if she ever saw me.

She was warm, and bubbly and talkative, just like someone I know all so well. I felt at home and friends to the family also played a role into welcoming me to the family. I am not sure if it is too soon to say I have a new family, one that is full of life and love. They love to laugh...and I love laughing so...that must be like ten points to the whole experience. I think....wait....I hope it will only get better from here.


Maybe one day I will officially be part of this beautiful family. Or maybe me voicing all these 'feelings' about being accepted was too soon?? I guess we will just have to wait and see.

The Njoroge's.

THUS FAR

Beginning of the year, I wrote a piece on my hopes for the year  2013. All those hopes still stand and I must say that at least of them came to pass; that Kenyans voted peacefully. To be honest I am not sure what I want this post to be about . I guess I'll just write and hope it makes sense in the end.

I would be lying if I said that this year is turning out as I expected. This is both on the positive and negative side. Lets start with the sour so that it's washed away by the sweet in the end.

The last couple of months have been a little tough. Having a smile on my face and having that smile remain there for a while has been somewhat of a problem. That just isn't me. This and other issues have made me quite the introvert and it just feels like I just cannot help it. Anyway, I am glad to let you all know that so far I have kept it together. That is what is important right?

Onto the awesome part of 2013. Considering how my year started, there are a few things I thought I had to give up. I am pleased to tell you that I did not give up these things that I hold dear and it's all thanks to my dear beautiful mother. She has been of tremendous support it is just overwhelming. I hope one day I will make her unbelievably proud of me .

Well, 2013 is about four months old and to be honest I know the year is still kinda young but it is a little tiring feeling like you are just hanging by a thread. I am however very glad to have my loved ones around, my family, friends and my biggest fan; my baby.

I will do what I can. It's all one can do really. And I will keep hope alive. It is yet to be a great year but I know it is getting there.